Setting Boundaries

This month and I suspect the upcoming months are going to present a challenge for me in terms of setting boundaries on my time. It's come to my attention that my volunteer and non-paying activities are starting to outnumber and take over my income-producing activities. Someone showed me a T-shirt in a catalog that said, "STOP ME FROM VOLUNTEERING AGAIN!"  That's me.

The problem is, I really like a lot of my non-paying activities. They include:

• Attending a weekly networking meeting
• Participating in a Toastmasters group
• Mentoring two young women as they start their own businesses
•  Reading to middle-grade kids through a disadvantaged youth program
• Teaching Networking skills to women at a non-profit Women's Resource Center
• Serving on the board and as a group facilitator for our local writer's group.
  
• Serving on the board for our local Toastmasters group
• Serving on the board for the International Cat Writers Association
• Attending networking events through our Greensboro Merchants Association
• Meeting with my critique group for children's writers
  
• Blogging
• And soon to include more work on animal rights and establishing a shelter! =)
  

Part of my issue is I think, "Oh, it's only an hour's meeting. I can do that," forgetting to factor in 1 1/2 hours drive time, the fact that meetings run long, and the "to-do" list of things I'll emerge from the meeting with.

I'm taking baby steps to remedy this. I've announced I'm leaving the board of my writers group and stepping down as facilitator.  I'm also (after one more visit, because I promised) going to stop reading to the kids. A good cause, but it's over an hour away and that's just too far. My Toastmasters group asked me just this week if I would serve on the awards committee and mentor a new member and I said no to both. It was hard--I'd love to be on the awards committee and I'd enjoy mentoring a new speaker. But there's just no time.

Some things won't go away because I don't want them to. I love blogging. I love my networking group and my children's writers group. Being on the Board of the Cat Writers brings me contacts and income, since I write for a lot of pet magazines. But I may have to take a hard look at some of the other items.

It's a good problem to have, being interested in so many different things. And it might be a little more manageable if I didn't live so far away.  And it's not that I have a hard time saying no to people as it is I really want to be a part of all these things. But I'd also like a little more balance in my life.  We all would. 

Charged Up For A Fight

I don't know if it's something in the air, water or my astrological chart, but I am picking fights with people right and left. To wit:

SCENARIO I:

The President of a writer's group I belong to sent out what I found to be a very snippy e-mail message concerning a member and some suggestions this member asked be forwarded to the board for consideration. In the course of presenting the member's suggestions to us, the President implied this woman was pushy and a pain in the ass and pretty much tore each suggestion apart in front of us before (ha ha) asking for our opinions.

What's that all about? How are people supposed to voice their opinions when the President makes clear from the e-mail she sends out that she wants no part of these suggestions and she's ticked off they were brought before the board in the first place? What irritated me more is that no one else on our board said anything about the tone of the message or that it might be improper to present requests to the board in this matter. (The e-mails about this were going on while I was in Portland).

So the heck with it. I wrote an e-mail to the board and included a paragraph where I pointed out to the President that her annoyance with the member shown through and I didn't think that was the proper way to handle the requests. I tried to keep it neutral and also thanked her for all the great work she does (because she takes on a TON of work and is a very good President). But I'm annoyed 1) she sent the e-mail out the way the did, 2) no one spoke up about it, 3) I had to do it.

And I guess I didn't have to do it, but it seems to me the right thing to do. I don't want to be part of a board that bashes people behind their back. Which leads to...

SCENARIO II:

This is just a quick recap from last month when I was angry over a different writers group saga.  In this group we get a ton of messages replied to the entire group that say things like, "Good Job!" and I sent an e-mail asking if people could reply to the person and not the group. That started a firestorm. It was settled (people continue to send e-mails to the group) but I had people e-mailing me behind the scenes saying they agreed with me, but they wouldn't step forward to say it on their own.  It frustrates me. Who are these people so afriad to state their opinion about such a small matter?

SCENARIO III:

Yet a third writers group I belong to (but not for long) is wearing me down. We've invited a major NY editor to speak at our annual meeting and getting stipend money to pay for this agent was like getting blood from a stone but they finally agreed. But now they're refusing to pay for a $180 hotel room for the night for this agent, insisting she'll be fine bunking with one of our members in their home.

This woman is paying her own plane fare, paying for her meals, giving a 40-minute talk and we can't spring for one hotel room when we have PLENTY of money in the bank to do so?  I was ticked and sent--truth be told--not the nicest e-mail to the group. I believe the words "tacky" and "embarrassing" were used with some frequency. 

Hmmm....interesting how all the problems stem from writers groups (couldn't be me--I'm never the problem <grin>).  So here are my new rules for writers I may happen to be in a group with:

1. Have an opinion. Don't wait to see what the group thinks or what the safe bet will be before you form it.
2. Be willing to state your opinion.
3. Say what you mean.  I'm so tired of people pussyfooting around because they don't want to hurt someones feelings or are afraid so and so will get mad.  Get a backbone.
4. Consider the feelings of others. Stating your opinion doesn't mean bulldozing over others. It just means you're willing to put your view forth in a non-accusatory manner and see if it floats. There's no need to deflat other people or ridicule their opinons just to make yours heard (All right, I need to work on this one myself...)
5. Be willing to change your opinion. But only if it's because you've been persuaded--not intimadated--into doing so.
6. Have some fun. From what I've seen, people take themselves, their work, and their importance way too seriously. Lighten up and have some fun. The group you work with will appreciate it.

The Mysteries of Life

• Why does plucking your eyebrows make you sneeze?
• Why can't women apply mascara without sticking our tongues out the side of our mouths?
• Why do you hit all red lights when you're in a hurry and all green lights when you're in no rush?
• Why can I go to the exact same hair stylist as other people and they come out with fun, chic hairstyles and I look like a five-year old got too near me with their first pair of scissors?
• Why can't I ever find a (fill in the blank) straight pin/thumb tack/rubber band/toothpick when I need one but can find 50,000 of them when they're not needed?
• Why can't I grow flowers? (Okay, I know the answer to that one. Apparently you have to water them occasionally...)
• Why am I allergic to cats when I love them above all measure?
  
• Why do I crave chocolate after exercising? (I think it's because God has cruel sense of humor, but I can't prove anything)
• Why do Doritos smell like dirty feet? (We can send a man to the moon but can't fix this? C'mon...)
  
• Why is the thing on earth I most want to be--a successful writer--the hardest thing of all for me to do?
  
• Why am I not worshipped as a god? (This one is a thinker...)
• And finally, why do I suspect my cats are smarter than me and hold the answers to most of the above questions but just aren't telling?

People ask me what happens when I can't think of anything to blog about. The above entry is the perfect example. Better luck tomorrow.

Very Blessed

Okay, even I admit 3 blog entries in one day is a bit much and I promise this will be the last  (And they may have to tide you over the weekend).   But I am just  moved to say that I am so thankful for the people in my life.  I have some truly incredible, caring friends.  There are the lifelong friends like Trisha, there are new friends like the wonderful people in my writer's group, and there are those people I really only know on a causal basis say from Toastmasters or my Triad Networking group that still blow me away with their caring.  I've received numerous supportive e-mails from my Toastmasters friends on the content of my last speech and offering words of encouragement for the area competition.  Triad Network friends e-mail me kitty clips or videos they think might make me laugh. I just received an e-mail from a woman who wrote in to say she and her "bitchy calico" both loved my book.  (I cracked up laughing at that).  I know in my humor I tend to go sarcastic which often reads negative, so I thought I'd take a moment to just say I appreciate every single one of you out there for bringing your presence to my life.  I'm a better person for it.

Dena