Printer Paranoia

My color copier hates me. I realize it's an inanimate object, incapable of human thought or emotion but that doesn't change the fact that it hates me.

And it's not just one. Apparently I have offended the color copier gods and now all are out to thwart me. About a month ago our color copier/printer/scanner/fax machine suddenly and for no reason started printing everything in pink and yellow. We checked the toner cartridges. Full. We shook them (because it seemed like a logical thing to do). No effect.  We printed out numerous color copies of various documents and lined them up in a pretty pink row and scratched our heads. Then we did what any good blooded American would do. We said, "To hell with it," and got a new printer.

I've only used the color copier on this new one once or twice. Wonderful, beautiful copies. But today, I attempted to make a copy of an article of mine that is blue and green and what do I get? Pink and yellow. Again. 

Stupid, blasted machine. What infuriates me is that there's no reason for the error. Nothing's changed! If it worked properly the last time, it should work this time. That's the rule. The error also comes at the worst possible time, as I'm prepping documents for my Saturday workshop and need to make color copies. I'd prefer, on a professional level, not to have every handout I give my class be pink.

My theory is that if I focus enough of my hate on the machine, it will see the error of its ways and start functioning properly. I'm also not above threatening to tie a brick around its waist and dump it in a river where no one will hear its cries for help.  Mad? You betcha. SOMEONE around here better start producing some blue and green color copies, pronto. If not, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Grumpy Frumpy

I'm in a bad mood.

My hair is too short and too dark. My clothes look old and worn. My face looks tired. The projects I'm working on don't interest me and I'm speaking today so I'm dressed up, when all I want are my jeans and a t-shirt. The cats are getting on my nerves and I ate the last of the banana's yesterday and now have to eat oatmeal for breakfast.

The computer sounds like it's overheating and is making a loud noise and my toenail polish is chipped. My eyes itch from allergies and the grass outside needs cut.  Nothing feels right, looks right, tastes right, is right.

This too, shall pass. But ever had one of those days?

What's Next At the Movies? Cavity Searches?

Blair and I went to see Pirates yesterday. I won't say anything to ruin the movie except I was HIGHLY upset at the end. See it and understand for yourself.

But getting into the theatre was a new experience when the young kid tearing tickets at the door said, "Ma'am, I need to look inside your purse."

What the f---? Since when is this allowable/acceptable behavior at a movie theatre? Metal detector screeners can't be far behind.  I  was carrying a teeny-tiny little summer purse that barely allowed room for me to shove my wallet in there. Lucikly, the wallet completely covered up the 2 packs of fig-newtons I had nestled underneath for snacks.

HA! SCORE!  Take that, evil movie empire! I refuse to feel bad for sneaking a relatively healthy snack into a theatre that feels no shame charging someone for the CUP that will hold only tap water from the water fountain. I'll stuff cheese nachos down my bra before I'll pay their asking price for same.

I told Blair I'm stuffing condoms or a diaphragm into my purse the next time we go that will spill out on the floor when they unzip my bag. You don't want people to bring food and drink in? Fine--if you catch them in the act or with it in the theatre, make them pay a fine or bar them from the theatre. That makes it a "do it at your own risk" scenario. But I'm ticked that I'm obligated to open  my bag and its contents at a freakin' movie theatre.  This is not an airport with national security at stake. I understand they're trying to recoup renegade M&M losses, but lighten up.

We've rented To Kill a Mockingbird for tonight. I've never seen it and Blair promises it will take the bad taste away left by Pirates. 

And as a bonus, no body search required.

Bring Back the 90 Minute Movie!

When I was a kid, movies ran a standard length of 90 minutes. Occasionally you'd get the 2-hour flick which was considered really long. But as a child, I loved them. I wondered why movies couldn't be 3 or 4 hours in length. My reasoning being, if you're paying for a ticket, might as well get your money's worth. Plus, I was nine. What else did I have going on?

Ahh...the days of youth. As a now grouchy soon-to-be 37-year-old, I am SICK of movies that run close to 3 hours. I have a LIFE that needs attending to, Hollywood people.  Please, please, please, dial back the special effects and nonsensical crap and just give me a decent 120-minute or under flick.

What's caused this angst is that we spent the day today seeing SpiderMan III. I say the day because it's a 2 1/2 hour movie, plus 45-minute drive time each way, which pretty much eats up the afternoon. Could the movie have been shortened? Easily. I know I'm no Hollywood scriptwriter or expert, but I really think some mega-producers would get their money's worth by paying me my hourly rate of $90 for a day to preview a film and show them what to cut and what dialogue just has GOT to go.

A side rant: Sequels.  EVERY preview we saw today was for a sequel:

• The Bourne Ultimatum (#3)
• Pirates of the Caribbean (#3)
• The Fantastic Four (#2)
• Harry Potter (#127 or whatever it is they're on now...)
• Transformers. (Okay, that's brand new but I've got to tell you...it looked exactly like the 3 other action flicks previewed and therefore still receives the dreaded "Dena Ding" for unoriginality)

Anyone besides me ready for something new and unique to hit the big screens?