If You Can't Operate A Seat Buckle, You're Beyond My Help

Greetings all! I'm sitting in a business center in my hotel in California, feeding my e-mail addiction. Thought I'd pop in here and share a chuckle with you.

Let me start with a shout-out to "Dan" who was the flight attendant on American Airlines from NC to Chicago on the 12:30 PM Thursday flight.  Dan needs to quit his job as a flight attendant and go into stand-up comedy.

We're sitting on a little commuter plane and as the door closes, Dan turns to us and says, "Now it's time for the exciting safety presentation I'm sure none of you have ever heard before. " We all chuckled. Dan held up the sample seatbelt. "Okay, I'll show you how to work this but honestly, if you don't have it down by now you're probably beyond my help."

That got laughs. He went on to mime the words of the pre-recorded safety tape that broadcast over the plane and then said, "Oh! Listen--this is my favorite euphemism." The woman on the tape said, "In the event of a..." and Dan mimed big quote marks in the air, "WATER LANDING..."

"Right," said Dan. "Because we really  meant for THAT to happen."

The woman's voice continued, "Please use your seat cushion as a flotation device..."

"I don't think that's been tested," said Dan. "They look like they'd sink to me."

People were howling. Everyone on the plane was watching the safety demonstration, waiting to see what Dan would do next.

He showed us how to use the oxygen masks that dropped down, making a face as he pulled it over his head, as if it stank. The woman's voice droned on, "...If traveling with a small child, secure your mask first and then your child's."

"And if you're traveling with two children, pick your favorite," cracked Dan.

At the end of the safety demonstration, the plane erupted in spontaneous applause. What an effective way to get people to pay attention. I know that's probably the first safety presentation I've actually watched in 10 years.

So I arrived safe and sound in California. The hotel reeks of cats, which I don't recall from prior years. I must be on a floor with a number of unfixed Tom cats as their urine is usually much more potent than a fixed cats. Regardless, it stinks.

Later today I'll head over to the Cat Fanciers National Contest and do a 1-hour book signing and then wander rows and rows and rows of felines. I will be in cat heaven. If I can get a cab waiting for me, I may just grab a Persian and run.

Wish me luck.

Cal-i-for-nia Here I Come!

On my way way out tomorrow for the annual Cat Writers conference, held this year in Foster City, California. People chuckle when I tell them there is such an event but think about all the cat books out there- care for kittens, medical books, breed specialities, etc. and you'll get an idea of how broad the field is. I'm in the minority as a feline humor writer, which suits me fine. I've attended the conference for the last 2 years and am always amazed at the number of assignments I leave with.

My schedule is packed the 3 days I'm there so I'm not even bothering to take the laptop which likely means no new blog posts until Monday.  Plus it's just another item to lug along. I always convince myself I'll pull my laptop out on an airplane and do work and it has yet to happen. I read, I eat, I sleep--usually in that order.

I'm a backup presenter for the event but am hoping I'm not called upon. I've presented the last two years and am looking forward to attending this year as a nameless, faceless guest. But if someone cancels last minute, I'm going to take my "Johnny Can't Brand" book and walk the group through a rough-and-tumble DSI exercise.

Changing topics completely, I finally had a good run last night - 7 miles and went strong to the end. I was getting worried as my last 4 runs have been horrid.  But I wore a brace last night on my left knee which helped with stability and I woke up today with no pain--unusual for me after a longer run. 

And that's all in the life of Dena. Calm...unruffled...it's a nice change of pace.  Say a prayer my luggage doesn't join the land of the lost. This 3-oz rule (which for the record, I find close to useless--I think our country has gone WAY overboard on the panic route) is killing me. My face creams alone are 8 oz. and don't even get me started on hair care products. These days, lost luggage=bad hair.  Yikes!!! =)

Dena

Wildacres List

Remember when I spent that horrendous week alone in a cabin in the woods on a writer's retreat? I was flipping through a notebook yesterday and found a list I'd made while there and decided that would be today's blog entry. So without further ado...

The Wildacres "Things I've Learned About Myself" List

1.  I overeat when nervous (an entire box of Wheat Thins disappeared in my first twenty minutes in the cabin)
2. I'm a horrible packer (Forgot: Bras, dental floss, shampoo)
3. I'm not yet ready to run UP a mountain
4. I'm a bit of a prude. (The cabin had a wall of windows--with no curtains or shades--that faced the wilderness. Someone would have to go to a LOT of effort to scale the mountain in order to stand in front of the windows and see something, but I still felt uncomfortable changing in front of them at night)
5. I love my life and the people in it
6. I allow myself to fill my life with distractions - e-mail, radio, TV
7. I am not a night owl
8. Even when I have all the time in the world, I still won't cook
9. I can kill a monster-sized spider all by myself if I have to
10. I keep a neat and tidy cabin even though I have the option of being a complete slob
11. I like sleeping with the windows open instead of air-conditioning
12. I love my husband
13. Hiking spectacular scenic trails by myself is nowhere near as fun as sharing the experience with someone else
14. I'm turning into one of those people who starts showing up at hotels with their own pillow
15. I may be starting to prefer the beach over the mountains

Awe-inspiring, aren't they? Hey--some days even bloggers get blocked for topics. =)

How I Almost Ate Meat

While on our anniversary weekend, Blair and I stopped for lunch at a cute little corner diner called "The Starving Artists" cafe.  Big bang for the buck, as the sandwiches were huge and they weren't stingy with the side items. Looking over their surprisingly extensive menu, I saw a smoked turkey sandwich on honey rye, with lettuce, tomato, sprouts, granny smith apple slices and herbed cream cheese.

It was the granny smith apple slices that caught my eye. It was the only sandwich on the menu that had them and my taste buds salivated at the thought of tart apples, cream cheese and rye bread. Once I saw that, nothing else sounded good.

One small problem--I don't eat turkey. I thought of my friend, also a vegetarian, who declares vacations off limits and eats a burger and steak every time she travels. Hmm....

"What are you getting?" asked Blair.

"I kind of want the turkey," I half-whispered, eyes sliding around the room to make sure no tape recorder was in sight.

His eyes widened and God love him, he tried not to show his excitement. (Blair's dream in life is for me to start eating meat again).

"Well," he said, "I think you should get what you want."

I hesitated. "I don't know..." I looked at him. "Would you promise not to tell?"

He nodded. "Absolutely."

So I did it. I ordered the turkey sandwich.

When it came to the table, it was huge, piled high with slice after slice of smoked turkey. I sniffed the sandwich. Yuck. Meat--any meat--has a distinct smell. I fingered the meat. Yuck again--slimy.  Across the table, Blair was digging into his burger.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

I stared doubtfully at the sandwich. "It smells bad and the meat is slimy."

He looked over. "That meat is not slimy."

"It is very slimy. I'd forgotten how slimy turkey is." I sniffed again. "Forget it. I'm not eating this." Blair sighed as his dream crumpled before him.

I took the meat off, piled it to the side, and enjoyed a delicious rye sandwich without it. And frankly, I'm grateful for slimy, smelly turkey meat. Otherwise, I would have caved and felt guilty about doing so.

After the waitress cleared our plates, I kicked myself for not getting the meat in a to-go bag for Consuela. I may not eat it myself, but I'm not above using slimy, smelly turkey meat to bribe an Akita to love me.

Happy Tuesday. - Dena