I’m A Runner & All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt…

Upon accessing the somewhat hidden world of running, I’ve made surprising discoveries about myself—and others—along the way. One or two of these unearthings came to me early this morning as I sat in the bathroom, clipping my toenails to a brutally short length in preparation for this morning’s speed workout on the treadmill. As I watched polished toenail clippings fly, I meditated on the seldom mentioned aspects of running and thought I would use my blog time this morning to share these thoughts with you.

So, without further adieu, here is

Dena’s Top 10 List of Things Your Mama Never Told You About Running

1. Don’t become too attached to your toenails as life quickly becomes a battle of keeping them cut painfully short, watching them blacken, or losing them entirely.
2. Be prepared to listen—and participate in—discussions about bowel movements and how to help ensure a healthy bowel movement occurs on schedule before a race.
3. Watch out for bleeding nipples. (Thankfully, this primarily seems to hit men.)
4. You will have intense discussions with fellow runners on technical materials and which wicking shirt is best at moving sweat and stench away from the body.
5. You will start to enjoy math. I’ve never liked or been good with numbers, but I now spend endless hours calculating speed and times in the form of those word problems that used to bring me to tears as a child. (If Sally Runner runs 21 miles in 3 hours and 11 minutes, what is her pace per mile? If Sally were to run 10 seconds faster for 5 miles and 5 seconds faster for 10 miles, then what would her pace be? Be sure to factor in four 8-second water stops along the way…)
6. That men are eager to discuss fashion (as long as it involves wicking material) and where to find the best shopping bargains on runner’s clothes.
7. That you will closely follow etiquette questions in a runner’s magazines on how to blow your nose or pass gas while in the presence of a fellow runner.
8. You will become obsessed with tracking, down to the tenth of a mile, the mileage on your shoes.
9. That you would ever pay upwards of $8 for a single pair of socks.
10. That you will never again be able to walk, bike, or drive a single road without judging whether it would make for a good run and the reasons why or why not.

Obsessive? A bit. Gross? For sure. Something any runner would ever willing give up? Never.

Happy pre-Thanksgiving.

Dena

NC Writers' Network Fall Conference

Back to the land of the living. I have been running at full speed since Saturday morning but it's all been worth it. My friend Pam Cable and I presented a 1 1/2 hour workshop on Saturday at the NC Writers' Fall Conference. Our topic was "Publicity, Promotion, & Pulling Your Hair Out." We had 25 attendees and received great feedback. So good, in fact, that at the Saturday night dinner in front of the 500 attendees, the conference director actually gave a special call-out to Pam and myself for some of the advice we'd offered during the workshop.

Although I enjoy teaching, there's also a little nervousness there as you're never quite sure what you're going to get in terms of attendees. Luckily, we had a room full of eager listeners who participated, asked questions, and contributed their own knowledge. Pam and I both left the room feeling great about what had taken place.

Aside from that, I got a lot out of the conference itself. I have it on the top of my to-do list to contact an agent who was there. I didn't attend her session but apparently she was on a panel and made the announcement that she was desperate for an author to write a "crazy cat book."  Uh... hello? People were coming up to me all weekend saying, "You have GOT to meet Bess." I agree. Bess, Bess... where are you? I could never find her so I'm shooting her an e-mail today.

I'm also pleased to announce that my Lessons In Stalking books sold out at the conference. The Barnes & Noble woman running the table (who was reading my book on her breaks) said people would buy one and then come back and buy 3 more. That just warms a cat authors heart.

Other news:

• I went running at Salem Lake on Sunday and managed to trip over a rock and fall before I even hit Mile Marker 1. My left knee is now this huge skinned, bloody mass. Really attractive. I'll be sure to wear a lot of skirts in the next couple of weeks. It doesn't hurt much, other than at night when it comes in contact with the sheets.
• My running group had their farewell dinner last night. I've spent all summer with these people. Lots of laughing and reminiscing. ("Less talk! More run!") It's encouraging to see the huge leaps of improvement everyone has made.
• I had a quick two-minute appearance this morning on Fox 8 Morning News. Talked about my story in the Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul book. Cindy Farmer is warm and wonderful but is it really worth all the time spent on hair and make-up for the brief appearance? (Answer: Yes, of course.)
• We're having our front porch repainted. So when our relatives arrive on Thanksgiving, there should be lines of yellow tape crisscrossing the front of the house, warning them not to enter. Let's hope they take the hint.

So much for the glamorous world of public speaking. I've lost the kickin' boots and stylish clothes and am back in t-shirt and sweat pants, ready to re-enter the realm of the written word. Back to work.

Stand Up Comedy

Last night's speech to about twenty women went very well. Two comments in particular delighted me and I thought I'd share them with you. The first was from a women who came up after my speech and said, "Have you ever thought of doing stand-up comedy? You are so funny."

I love that. I love laughing and having a good time during my speeches and it's rewarding to know I'm not up there laughing by myself (always a possibility...) So I appreciated her saying that.

The other comment had nothing to do with my speech but is cherished, nonetheless. As I was walking down the aisle toward the door, a woman stopped me and said, "This may sound like an odd question, but are you by any chance a runner?"

My surprise must have showed on my face. "I am," I said.

She nodded. "I used to do a little bit of running and I was looking at you during your speech and I just thought you look like someone who has a runner's body."

Oh people... how happy am I? NO ONE has ever said I have a runner's body. In fact, NO ONE has ever told me I have any form of athletic shape whatsoever in my entire life. I thanked her, we chatted about running for a few minutes and then I floated on air out the door. Happy, happy camper.

On a slightly sour note, I managed to leave my flip chart stand behind. That usually wouldn't be a big deal except that I must have it for a presentation I'm giving tomorrow. So I resigned myself to driving 45 minutes into GSO and back to pick the thing up only... the library can't find it. I can't blame them. It's my fault for leaving it behind. I think they're conducting a half-hearted search of the premises, but looks like I'm going to have to send Blair out on a Office Depot run for a new portable chart holder.

Freaked Out Felines, Wine, & More...

I'm scaring the cats. I'm rehearsing the speech I'm giving tonight at the Women Connecting With Women Business Showcase. My speech begins with a rather rowdy exercise that involves the audience and I'm acting out the part of the audience so that I may time my speech and know where I fall. But all the yelling and applauding is freaking out the felines...

I've decided to drink more. Alcohol, that is. At my friend Kay's birthday dinner last night I had a full, lovely glass of red wine and then had a kick-ass run this morning in the rain. It's not the first time I've mixed wine and running. We met friends once to celebrate their anniversary and I drank probably close to a 1/2 bottle of wine that night, knowing I had a 14-mile run the next day. I expected to struggle and instead breezed through the miles. So I think the message here is... wine makes running easier.

I leave you with this thought that I have hanging on my bulletin board...

Be Weird Whenever You Have The Chance