The Dark Side of Lasik Surgery

Last week I was evaluated for Lasik surgery. This is where you pay an eye doctor unbelievably large sums of money to take a laser beam to your eyes to correct your vision. Although it’s been a dream of mine to be able to wake up and tell if the lump beside me is my husband, a cat, or a pile of laundry that needs folding, I’ve been hesitant about Lasik. I think it’s because of that laser beam thing. I’m not squeamish about surgery in general. You want to hack into me and take out a lung or kidney? Fine. But I do not like the idea of people messing with my eyes. They’re bad now, but at least they still work. One slip with that laser beam and ZZZT! Who knows?

But the mess and hassle of contacts has edged me toward the surgery. No more taking contacts in and out on a plane when I travel? No gunked up lenses due to seasonal allergies? No nipping at my eyeball with my fingers because I’ve forgotten I’ve already taken the lens out of that eye? (It’s happened.) Sign me up.

And sign up I did. Turns out I am an “excellent” candidate for Lasik which is eye doctor code for “We’re thrilled to take your money.” I was evaluated last Thursday and my surgery is January 8th. Bim, bam, boom—done.

They sent me home with a pile of paperwork. I have to stop wearing contacts 10 days before the surgery. Ten days of glasses. Not fun, but okay, I’ll make it. Then there are eye drops and wipes to apply the three days leading up to the surgery. Easy. No makeup, perfume, deodorant the day of the surgery. A little gross, but still okay. Then I ran across the whopper: No mascara, eyeliner, or makeup around the eyes for two weeks after the surgery.

Uh, can we say, “deal breaker?”

People, I do NOT leave the house without under eye concealer. I’m afraid the dark circles under my eyes will lead people to believe I’m either:
a) On drugs
b) Sleep deprived
c) Beaten by my husband
Two weeks of no eye makeup? Why not just stab me with an ice pick and be done with it? I also have to throw out all old eye make-up out as it may be “contaminated.” Blair, who’s perfectly willing to pay thousands for this eye surgery, threw his hands up at the mention of new make-up.

“And what’s THAT going to cost us?” he asked.

“No more than thirty dollars,” I said. “Sheesh. Calm down.”

“You’re right,” he said. “Plus, we’ll save more than that by never leaving the house the month of January until you can wear eye makeup again.”

I love a man who understands me.

So I’m going to do it. Swallow the “optional” (right) Valium and lie on a table for 15 minutes while Star Wars technology is applied to my eyes. I’m scared but mostly excited. Being able to see the minute I open my eyes… I can’t even remember what that’s like. Plus, I’ll finally stop hugging the laundry and saying, “Morning, honey.”

Updates to follow.

Why Holiday Shopping (With Me) Is Never A Good Idea

Let's be honest: I am not the most patient of individuals. People trapped in blazing apartment buildings are usually of a more even-keeled temperment than I am on my best day.

Which means it came as no surprise yesterday when, 15 minutes into being thrust among slow-walking, cell-phone yapping, ugly-sweater wearing individuals, I lost it and started muttering my plans to push the next person who stepped in front of me directly into oncoming traffic and then claim it was an accident. I meant it, too.

Not helping is the fact that Blair and I differ on how to best complete the holiday shopping. Blair favors a thoughtful comparison of gifts, willing to go to three different stores in search of the gift that would bring the greatest amount of joy to the recipient upon tearing open the gift wrap. I, on the other hand, favor the "just grab something and stick it in the bag with the gift receipt and let them return it and get what they want if they don't like it" approach. You can see where we might clash.

Dick's Sporting Goods is where yesterday's first showdown occurred. We found a gift for a nephew but the sports gloves were a Large, not the XL requested.

"I think she said maybe an L or XL," I told Blair. "Let's just get these and go."

"Why don't we go to Sports Authority," he suggested. "It's just up the street."

Okay, technically he's correct. It is just up the street. But this is a pre-Christmas Saturday and the streets are clogged, people are acting like they've never seen a traffic light and don't know how it works, and just getting out of the mall parking lot we were in was going to require patience, pray, and a can of mace.

"These are fine," I begged. "Let's just go."

"Wouldn't it feel better to get the right size?" he asked. "C'mon. It'll just take a minute."

The 3/4 mile drive took almost 12 minutes during which time I'm pretty sure I almost started some sort of gang fight by yelling at people through the closed car windows. When we finally made it in the store and trudged to the glove section... no gloves. I turned to glare at Blair.

"They're here," he said. (He knew he was in trouble.) "I'm sure they're here."

Alas, they were not there. So we went back to the car, fought our way through traffic like a salmon swimming upstream, and ended back in Dick's Sporting Goods. We picked up the Large gloves and went to pay. Which is when we noticed the checkout line that snaked 50 people long to the back of the store.

"I hate people," I said.

"Merry Christmas, honey," said Blair.

Fortunately, we got it all done. Everything is wrapped, labeled, and either sitting under the tree or in boxes being shipped to Illinois and Ohio. We only buy for nieces and nephews. Thank God adults don't exchange gifts or I'd probably end up in jail.

Happy Holidays,

Dena

Not Bad For A Friday

Today's Accomplishments:

• Up by 5:30 (more due to husband and cats than my own instigation, but we'll let it count)
• Wrote for 3 hours. Pleased with the results.
• Did NOT order the calling-my-name chocolate doughnut at the coffeshop. Overdosed on coffee instead.
• Ran 3 miles
• Helped decorate the Animal Protection Society holiday float for tomorrow's parade
• Went to library for books and also came away with a free video rental - The Pianist. (Blair not thrilled)
• Combed and coo'd over 2 cats
• 2 loads of laundry
• Read 5 chapters in a book

All in all, ending the week on an up note. Tomorrow is a long run and then holiday (pray for us ) shopping.

Dena

p.s. Everyone go look at the moon tonight! It's the closest it's been to the earth in 15 years and is supposed to be huge!

100 Things You Might Not Know About Me

I stole these questions from my friend Tamara's blog. The list is long, but it's the holidays so I figure most of you are looking for an excuse to goof off at work, yes? Enjoy.

1. Started your own blog. The fascinating story of a girl and her cats… yup.

2. Slept under the stars. Does in a tent count?

3. Played in a band. Clarinet in high school. Rock on!

4. Visited Hawaii. Yes. Kauai is our favorite.

5. Watched a meteor shower. No.

6. Given more than you can afford to charity. No, not more than I can afford.

7. Been to Disneyland. Yes. Once was enough.

8. Climbed a mountain. No, but would love to.

9. Held a praying mantis. No.

10. Sang a solo. No, and you’re welcome.

11. Bungee jumped. Only in my dreams.

12. Visited Paris. Yes.

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. No.

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. I friend taught me to knit?

15. Adopted a child. No

16. Had food poisoning. Mild case, and that was enough.

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. No, but I did buzz it in my Uncle’s plane years ago when that sort of thing wouldn’t get you shot down.

18. Grown your own vegetables. I can’t grow a weed, so no.

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. Yes. Smaller than you would think.

20. Slept on an overnight train. I’ve slept on a train but not over night

21. Had a pillow fight. Well, yeah…

22. Hitch hiked. Never.

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. Duh...

24. Built a snow fort. Snow man…no snow fort

25. Held a lamb. No

26. Gone skinny dipping. Sadly, no

27. Run a Marathon. YES!!! Three and counting.

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice. Nope

29. Seen a total eclipse. No.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. All the time.

31. Hit a home run. I consider it an accomplishment if I just hit the ball

32. Been on a cruise. To Alaska. Loved it.

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. No, just on Superman II

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. Not sure where that is

35. Seen an Amish community. No—and I’m from Ohio!

36. Taught yourself a new language. Que?

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. Yes.

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person. No....but I’ll get there

39. Gone rock (wall) climbing. No.

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David. No

41. Sung karaoke. Yes, and I’m sorry.

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt. No.

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant. No.

44. Visited Africa. No, but it's on the short list

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. Every chance I get

46. Been transported in an ambulance. Thankfully no

47. Had your portrait painted drawn. I’ve had a caricature done

48. Gone deep sea fishing. No but it sounds like fun except for the killing the fish part

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person. Yes. There aren’t words.

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Yes. We got there early and had the climb almost to ourselves.

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. Snorkeling and snuba.

52. Kissed in the rain. Yes.

53. Played in the mud. Yep, I love getting dirty!

54. Gone to a drive-in theater. Yes—all the time when I was little plus there’s one nearby in Eden.

55. Been in a movie. Just that one porno. (Kidding...)

56. Visited the Great Wall of China. On the list….

57. Started a business. Freelance writing.

58. Taken a martial arts class. No.

59. Visited Russia. No, but huge Romanov history fan. Dying to go.

60. Served at a soup kitchen. No.

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. Every year in grade school

62. Gone whale watching. Yes, in Alaska. Awesome!

63. Got flowers for no reason. Yes and thank you honey.

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma. Donate blood all the time. A negative, if you're wondering.

65. Gone sky diving. Had my fortune read once and told I would seriously injure my head in a sky diving incident so I've been too chicken to try.

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp. Absolutely on the list.

67. Bounced a check. Yes—and had a warrant issued for my arrest for it.

68. Flown in a helicopter. Yes, in Hawaii.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. Several times

71. Eaten Caviar. No and no thanks.

72. Pieced a quilt. Nope.

73. Stood in Times Square. Yes!

74. Toured the Everglades. No.

75. Been fired from a job. From a sub shop when I was a teenager. Unwarranted, in my opinon.

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London. Can’t remember if we saw that. I don’t think so.

77. Broken a bone. Left arm. Age 12.

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. On a motorcycle but not really speeding.

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. Yes. Freaking awesome.

80. Published a book. Two so far...

81. Visited the Vatican. Yes.

82. Bought a brand new car. Yes – piece of junk too.

83. Walked in Jerusalem. No

84. Had your picture in the newspaper. Yes, a couple of times

85. Read the entire Bible. Not even close.

86. Visited the White House. Not the inside

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. No, said the vegetarian.

88. Had chickenpox. Yes, and thank you Nicole. (sister)

89. Saved someone’s life. No.

90. Sat on a jury. I was the alternate.

91. Met someone famous. Yes.

92. Joined a book club. Oddly, no.

93. Lost a loved one. Yes but not too many thankfully

94. Had a baby. No and never gonna happen.

95. Seen the Alamo in person. No

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake. No

97. Been involved in a law suit. I took a magazine publisher to small claims court for non-payment.

98. Owned a cell phone. Yes but I rarely talk on the phone

99. Been stung by a bee. No! Terrified of this, actually.

100. Read an entire book in one day. Too many times to count, I love to read!